Loneliness, while not typically fun, is a normal feeling to have on occasion. Some of us feel lonely when we are physically alone. Others feel lonely even around other people. I suppose some of this likely depends on your personality. For example, an introvert is probably more likely to feel comfortable being alone while an extrovert may prefer being around people. Throughout my life, I have found myself feeling lonely plenty of times, and usually? My loneliest times are when I’m surrounded by or near other people.
I think I’ve figured out why this feeling happens and it can be for several different reasons. Some of those reasons we’re responsible for and some of them, we’re not. So let’s dive in!
Defining Loneliness
Loneliness and being alone are not the same thing. Though we may use the terms interchangeably, there’s a big difference between the two. Loneliness is a sadness that weighs heavy on the heart. It’s an emptiness that goes deeper than no one being around. I think it’s one of the most challenging emotions to feel because sometimes it isn’t easy to fix.
For the sake of this post, I want to talk about the underlying reasons you might be feeling lonely even around people. If you peel back the layers, you might find that several things can contribute to loneliness around other people.
Reasons You Feel Lonely Even Around Other People
Trauma
I want to put trauma up front and center for this list because it’s a big one. Trauma isn’t easily defined. We once thought of trauma as severe events such as war, rape, physical abuse, etc. Those are definitely examples of trauma. But trauma can be defined as any event that is extremely stressful for you personally and that you struggle to cope with. Each person responds to events differently, so you can imagine that the word “trauma” can be applied in a lot of different situations.
So how does trauma affect loneliness? When we have intense negative experiences, we think that people often can’t relate and it can feel extremely lonely. It can make you feel like nobody really “gets” it and cause you to keep to yourself altogether. No matter what your form of trauma looks like, it’s important to know that you truly aren’t alone when you look at the big picture.
There are plenty of people that have been through similar circumstances, they just might not be the people you’re spending your time with. I urge you to find “support groups”, either online or in person so you can talk openly and feel less lonely. I don’t just mean major support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. There are tons of Facebook groups and Reddit forums where you’ll find people in similar situations. And trust me, it DOES help feelings of loneliness.
Lack of Meaningful Conversations
I’ve had a lot of relationships over the years that quite frankly have lacked depth in the conversation department. My therapist once put this into perspective for me in a wonderful way, and it made me less angry with certain people who simply weren’t capable of deeper conversations. She had told me to think of my friends in categories such as Gold, Silver, and Bronze.
She told me that it didn’t have to be all or nothing and that just because we weren’t having really deep conversations, didn’t mean they weren’t my friend. It simply means certain people are meant for you to have those in-depth conversations and sometimes, those people are hard to find. But simply thinking of it like this made me 1) feel less lonely and 2) focus on the relationships that did have a lot of depth when I was feeling lonely in the first place.
Not Feeling Seen or Heard
When we don’t feel seen or heard, we can feel lonely even around other people. This doesn’t have to be about heavy parts of your life, it could simply be about the day you had. If you don’t have people who are asking YOU about your life, or who check out when you go to share information about you… then this is definitely contributing to loneliness.
Feeling seen and heard means having people who essentially pay attention to the details… and care. It isn’t your fault if they don’t. It just means you need to start surrounding yourself with better people. People who show an interest in who you are and I promise you they’re out there!
Mental Health Conditions
If you’re suffering from a mental health condition such as depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder, this can naturally cause you to feel lonely around other people. It goes back to the trauma aspect of it. The feeling that nobody really understands you or what you’re going through.
The other side of this is that many mental health conditions naturally cause you to feel sad and negative, meaning you may be pulling away from other people without even realizing it. You could be holding back verbally or physically and both of these actions can contribute to loneliness. The first step here is seeking treatment options that can help you manage these conditions.
Fake People
Fake people really urk me, and they’re everywhere. Ever had friends who are dishonest, exaggerate situations, or talk behind other people’s backs? They’re fakeness leaves you feeling lonely because there’s no trust in your relationship. Even if they’re being authentic for a moment, their regular – fake behavior will leave you questioning what they’re saying and leave you feeling empty inside. These friends really aren’t worth having.
Disappointment in Yourself
Sometimes our own thoughts can eat us alive. I know I’ve had times when I feel disappointed in myself, ashamed or just have moments of really low self-esteem. This has affected my loneliness without me really noticing until after the fact. How so? When we need to do work on ourselves, it creates a negative “vibe”. That negativity is often projected onto our relationships without us knowing. And ultimately, you may be pushing people away like I did and creating some of your own loneliness.
We’ve all heard it but it’s important to love yourself first. Loving yourself into a state of confidence and contentment will allow you to connect more easily with others.
Comparing Yourself To Others
Comparing yourself with others can make you jealous and feel bad about yourself. In turn? We can feel bitter and angry with the people around us. All this does is create an unnecessary, competitive wall between us that ultimately blocks connecting with people more fully and once again, makes us feel more loneliness.
Difficult Issues in Your Personal Life
What’s going on in your personal life? Are you currently dealing with some really difficult times? If so, you’re naturally going to feel more segregated. You may be unable to accept the attention given to you or not have the energy to deal with other people. Remember, people don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. We have to let them in the door in order to have more fulfilling (and less lonely) relationships.
You Have Selfish Friends
You might have people around you that are just downright selfish. If they’re too busy thinking and talking about themselves, they won’t have anything left to give you. It’s not personal. It’s a personality trait that can create loneliness in relationships and one to evaluate if they’re a friend worth having.
Saying No Too Often
It’s really easy to get caught up in the busyness of our own lives. Getting so caught up in the everyday can make us tired. We can end up flaking out of events with people who could really help us feel less lonely. I know I’m guilty of doing this all too often but I’ve learned that saying no or backing out too much can be a bad idea. Doing this not only makes you miss out, but it also might lead to you being invited less in the future. Do yourself a favor and say yes to things more.
Feeling Lonely Even Around Other People in a Nutshell
If you’re feeling lonely even around other people, it could stem from something that ultimately starts with you. Try to keep that in mind when you’re experiencing loneliness so that you don’t take things too personally. (like I often have) Take a good look in the mirror. If you don’t think your loneliness has anything to do with you, then take a look at the people in your life.
No one should have to live a lonely life. I really do hope you can find the love and care from the people who fill up your days.
Remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.
Note: This blog is based on personal experience and opinion. I am not a medical professional but believe that we can all benefit from each other’s experiences and life challenges!