Over the years I’ve realized that friendship is actually kind of complex. It’s definitely more difficult as an adult woman to maintain a friendship than it was as a child. As an adult, it becomes more vital that the friendships you have are low maintenance and fulfilling. I’d love to say that more of my friendships over the years were just that, but many of them instead were quite toxic. Toxic friendships are extremely common and I’m willing to bet that you currently have or have had a toxic friendship before.
If you HAVE had toxic friendships, then you know that they can, well, hurt. They can affect our daily lives in a really negative way if we don’t set the proper boundaries. Knowing what I know now, I try to get ahead of the game when I notice some toxic friendship red flags, and you can protect yourself by doing the same.
Here are some of the signs that you have a toxic friend or might be starting a relationship with one, so you can take note and run in the opposite direction. (if you wish!)
Toxic Friendship Signs
They Talk Shit About Other People
As much as I think we can all be a little gossipy at times, toxic friends do it differently. If you find yourself listening to someone who spends most of their time talking about other people, then this is a BIG toxic friendship red flag. I hate to break it to everyone, but people like this are most definitely trash talking you too. They may even be your “BFF” but trust me, they’re talking about you if you’re not around.
They’re Selfish
Ever feel like you can’t get a word in? Like you’re never asked about how you feel or your life? Yup, you have a selfish friend. Relationships of any kind are a two-way street, people. Listening to someone ramble on and on about themselves every time you connect is not only annoying, it’s exhausting. Of course we should be an open ear to our friends, but if it’s not reciprocated then that’s not a friend worth having.
You Can’t Trust Them
Any good relationship starts and ends with trust. There are many different reasons why you may not be able to trust someone. It may be that they have literally broken the trust you gave. It could also be that you suspect certain things of them. If you told them a dark secret, would they be able to keep it? If they promised they would attend an event with you, but failed to show up, would you trust them to show up in the future? Lack of trust can rear its head in lots of different ways, but it’s one of the most obvious signs of a toxic friendship.
You Feel Bad About Yourself After Spending Time With Them
Sometimes we can’t quite put our finger on it, but we may just feel kind of ick after hanging out with certain people. Usually it’s from a combination of the toxic friendship signs I’m listing, but we likely aren’t putting it all together. Just notice how you feel. Are you happy and fulfilled after connecting with them? Or do you feel down and kind of unmotivated to reach back out any time soon? Your mood will speak for itself.
They’re a One Upper
One uppers drive me nuts. If your “friend” feels the need to trump all the good things you have in your life, then take note. It’s not even feasible that someone could always have or do the same things, but somehow do it better than you. So if they are trying to one up you on everything you share, this means they’re likely VERY insecure and honestly? Probably a liar.
They Don’t Respect You or Your Boundaries
Adult friendships specifically are supposed to be low maintenance for the most part. Not saying they don’t require any work to keep them going, but I mean, you have a life right? If you’ve tried setting boundaries with this person, but they’re just not getting the hint, they probably never will. Are they calling and texting you all day and night? Do they show up unannounced? Do they expect to be invited to everything you do? That’s entirely too much to handle and ultimately not fair to you.
You Wouldn’t Trust Them Around Your Partner
Ya, I said it. Well… would you? It’s something that nobody likes to think about, but I think it tells you a lot about your friendship. This obviously revisits the bigger topic of trust, but this is a different type of betrayal than what I mentioned above. If you have any doubts about the way a friend might behave around your spouse, then that’s no doubt a sign of a toxic friendship.
They Don’t Truly Listen To You
Maybe they don’t talk over you and cut you off, but are they actually hearing what you’re saying? Do they ask questions and show interest in what you’re talking about? Do they remember the things you share and follow up about them later? If not, that can feel like being friends with a brick wall. It’s in no way fulfilling and will end up making you feel bad about yourself. (If you haven’t yet, check out my other blog on feeling seen and heard here!)
They’re Possessive Over You
Some friends want you all to themselves. They do not like sharing you with other people, and that can mean other friends, family, and significant others. More likely than not, they are highly insecure and are fearful of losing you. While it may not come from a bad place, it’s coming from an unhealthy one and one that creates toxic friendships.
They Use You
The friend that’s always thinking “what can you do for ME?” is a friend worth passing on. It’s so hard to find genuine people nowadays, especially with how brainwashed we all are from social media. But really take a look at your friendships and think about who’s getting something out of it. And more importantly, if that went away, would you still be friends? Examples: You babysit their kid, you let them borrow your clothes, you’re friends with a person they’re interested in, etc.
They Can’t Keep Any Other Friends
I hesitated to write this one because I do think it can be really difficult to find and keep friends simply based on life changes. Some people ultimately don’t even want a ton of friends to begin with, so take this with a grain of salt. However, in some cases, people don’t have other friends because they’ve burned those bridges. It’s tough to say in any relationship that has a fallout who was actually at fault. So while this might not be a friendship killer all on its own, it’s something worth noting anyway.
They’re a Narcissist
As someone who has been a victim of narcissistic abuse, I think a narcissist is by far the most difficult to deal with. You can read all about the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder here. But some of the signs include entitlement, thinking extremely highly of themselves, delusional thinking, and bullying people, often in backhanded ways. Narcissists can trick you better than anyone else in the world. Their behavior is often extremely sneaky and we often don’t even realize narcissism until we become the direct victim of it.
Pay attention to the way the people in your life behave with people they don’t like, this can often be a clue into who they really are before being on the bad side of it yourself. And if you do notice these traits… RUN!
You Can’t Rely On Them
If you can’t rely on someone to follow through with plans or do what they said they’re going to do, then this might be a red flag. We all have unexpected life events, or particularly shitty times in our life that will get in the way of things we said we were going to do. But if this happens on a regular basis, then you should probably lower your expectations of this friend sooner than later and create some distance.
You Avoid Talking With Them Because It’s Exhausting
Having an exhausting relationship with someone looks different for different people. For instance, some people get really into gossip and thrive off of that type of chatter. While others feel exhausted by it and just want to talk about something more meaningful, or of nothing at all. If you just feel downright tired after a phone conversation, then you might want to throw this one in the toxic friendship box too.
They’re Life Is Full Of Drama
You know the type. The person that literally ALWAYS has something dramatic happening in they’re life. This is usually a massive sign that they have something to do with it. It’s often them putting themselves in unhealthy situations that, at the end of the day, they can control. This behavior can get really old, especially when you know they’re their own worst enemy. I recommend setting boundaries here so that you too don’t get caught up in their drama.
They Think They’re Better Than You
Ever get the feeling they just flat out think they’re better than you? Maybe they think they make more money, have a better job, look better, are smarter, etc. Ya, fuck that honestly. Nobody is better than the other and we all have unique lives and circumstances. It’s not up to someone else to decide your value in life so if you have a friend like this, it’s time for some space. Friends are supposed to love you for who you are and treat you with respect no matter what.
They Compete With You On Everything
Maybe they don’t think they’re better than you, but are they trying like hell to get there? Another hard pass my friends. Competition is SO toxic in friendship and it brings out the worst in people. I’ve had friends like this where I started competing right back even though I didn’t think of it as a competition to begin with. It never ends well, sucks the life out of you and is often at the root of toxic friendships.
They’re Passive Aggressive
Nothing is more annoying than a passive aggressive friend or family member. For whatever reason, they can’t seem to communicate directly with you about whatever their thoughts are, so they insert those obnoxious little digs. Such as “Wow, I’m so surprised you would let your child eat that!”. Instead of someone just minding their own business, or saying you think it’s unhealthy directly, they make a comment like this. Leaving you to be like wait why? What’s wrong with what I fed my child? Am I doing something wrong? Did they make that comment negatively? I encourage ALL of us to stop being passive aggressive and be much more direct. (while being kind, of course)
They’re A Negative Nancy
People become negative about everything in their life for lots of different reasons. Some of those reasons may not even be their fault. But in terms of being friends with someone who is constantly negative? It can be a lot to deal with. I think being a negative Nancy is one toxic friendship trait that can be fixed if communicated properly, but that depends on if the other person wants to fix the behavior or not.
They’re a Mooch
Hear me out here. You might be thinking to yourself, “is a mooch really toxic?”. I think so and here’s why. Someone who is always asking for more of what’s rightfully yours is a mooch. Yes, this could be money but it can go further than that. It could be money, clothes, rides, etc. I once had someone constantly mooching off of me for free childcare. This is called being a mooch of YOUR TIME. Not only does this show a lack of respect for your personal life, it shows they are only worried about what YOU can do for THEM.
We Can All Have Toxic Friendship Moments
At the end of the day, no one is perfect. Including you and me. We can all have times in life when we’re not our best selves, which means we have less to offer to those we love. This can come off as a lack of empathy and care for other people, when that wasn’t really our intention. Keep this in mind when evaluating whether or not you have a toxic friendship. Don’t let one thing ruin an entire friendship. I believe we all have an intuition that we should follow about the people around us. Don’t be afraid to trust your gut, and protect yourself from more dramatic issues in the future.
Remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.