Childhood bullying. Most of us know the ugly term and sadly, many of us have been the victim of bully behavior. Some of us have even been the bully ourselves at one point. The painful effects of bullying on adults are no joke and something we should have more awareness around.

Me? I’ve experienced being a victim of childhood bullying. I don’t say this to act like I’m rare or special in some way. This has been a huge problem for many of us and for too many years. Truth be told, I’m sure I haven’t always been a perfect angel to everyone around me either. But bullying looks different than that. The effects of bullying can cause more adult growing pains than we realize.

Bullying often occurs during adolescence but it can certainly happen as an adult. For the sake of this post, I want to focus on how a child being bullied rolls into adulthood, and whether it’s subconsciously or consciously, the effects of bullying on adults will always linger in our minds.

What is childhood bullying and how does it show up?

I think bullying experiences look different for everyone. The who, the what, the how. But what makes the biggest difference in each circumstance is the support system that surrounds us. Now that I have school-aged children of my own, it seems like there’s more awareness and less tolerance for bullying behavior. (at least in elementary-aged children) But I still hear the stories. In my opinion, bullying is anyone who repeatedly acts in a way that makes someone uncomfortable being around them. It’s making someone feel stupid, ugly or disrespected, and uncomfortable regularly. 

Bullies often come in the form of ex-best friends. This was my personal experience. I can’t say for certain, but it seems like that form of bullying just… cuts a little bit deeper. There’s a deep sense of betrayal in friendships gone bad because they can include intimate and very personal details. If a “bestie” becomes a bully, they have more weapons in their arsenal.

Regardless of gender, there are also SO many more outlets to give a bully access to the victim. Think about that. Back in the day, you went to school and likely dealt with the effect of bullies there, and there only.

Now, you have entire school days, texting, social media apps, etc. As a parent, I try to keep all of the above in mind and not just take my kids’ word for it. For whatever reason, kids don’t always feel comfortable talking to their parents about certain subjects. I know I didn’t, but looking back, I can’t necessarily pinpoint why. Lack of communication from our kids doesn’t give us a reason to be lazy about it or not read between the lines. I think if you’re an individual that hasn’t suffered from, or been exposed to the fierceness of a bully, it’s pretty easy to brush off the effects of bullying.

On the flip side, I think if you’re someone who has been the victim of childhood bullying, it can cause you to be a helicopter parent and project things that aren’t there. I know I’m guilty of this at times. Some things that are just normal kid transactions, learning moments if you will, bring out the mama bear in me and I instantly have my boxing gloves on.

What are the effects of bullying on adults?

Back in my day? The following were used as comfort when I did open up about the things that bothered me…

Keep in mind – “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” What a ridiculous statement. Words hurt all of us no matter how much we pretend they don’t. I mean, what were our parents, teachers, and elders saying when they would comfort us with advice like this and then push us on our little way back into the jungle? 

Don’t worry, if boys bully you, it’s because they like you. (um…great news?) If boys bully you, it’s because they like you. This is what was told to me as a way of saying, “See, lucky you! These are good things” We won’t jump in and try to stop it because it’s not that big of a deal anyway.

If girls bully you, it’s because they’re jealous. Maybe so. Because I do think that jealousy and competition among women is something that brings out the worst in us. But it does not, under any circumstances make it okay. And not addressing it means that you are forced to either avoid an often unavoidable circumstance or endure being uncomfortable and picked on.

What did YOU do that caused someone to pick on you little Johnny? There is no doubt two sides to every story. However, instantly jumping to the conclusion that it’s any one person’s fault is bogus. It’s our job as adults to look. Don’t just ask those involved, but investigate. Evaluate the situation when they don’t think anyone is looking. Doing so can make a big difference in someone’s world. Choose not to, and you’re sweeping shit under the rug.

You may hear it, but are you actually listening?

It is simply not our decision to make if someone feels hurt and targeted. Hurting a child emotionally and not figuring out a way to fix it sends a message to kids. A message that will follow them into adulthood. A concoction that can prevent them from living their best life.

Take whatever shitty things are being said or done to the victim, combine that with a support system that sucks and childhood bullying can cause the following thoughts…

• It’s not necessary to stick up for myself
• I should be a superhero and not listen/absorb what is said
• It’s okay for a boy to treat me like shit because they might think I’m cute
• Accept that sometimes I deserve shitty behavior from other females. I should get over it because people tell me they’re jealous. I guess I’m amazing and again, should ignore the actual words and treatment coming from their mouth 
• I’m just too sensitive and overreacting

As adults, we can look at the above and know that there probably is more to what we see. We hopefully have enough confidence to not take it to heart. But the growing mind of a child? Much less likely. Lessons are being carved into their growing brain and once they’re there? It’s extremely difficult to come back from. If there is any chance of coming back, it’s gonna be a lot of unnecessary therapy and self-work to reframe the effects of bullying.

Don’t believe me? Check out this article on the brain during adolescent development. Studies show a ton of science supporting development in this period of our lives.

Reflecting on the Effects of Bullying

I reflect on the awful words said to me during adolescence. They are words that have greatly impacted my self-esteem, body image, and relationships as a whole. Many of you can probably do the same and validate these growing pains on your own terms. The effects of bullying on adults will follow us for the rest of our lives.

I know that as human beings, we are, and will continue to be exposed to shitty things. Hurtful comments, crappy people, life tragedies and so much more. As adults, we look for ways to move on from those experiences in ways that work for us. For our children, it’s our job to take the subject of bullying seriously and help when we can.

As a parent, I know I would do anything to protect my kids from any kind of harm, that includes mentally and emotionally. 

Wouldn’t you?

Remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.