We all know how the saying goes. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself first. But is it really true? I think that phrase is based on someone with low self-esteem, but what about people suffering from a mental health diagnosis? More specifically, Can depressed people still love someone? In my opinion, yes! They can definitely still love someone BUT it may look a bit different than the average relationship.
Depression is a debilitating illness that not only affects how someone feels, it affects how they express emotion. Let’s take a deep dive into what loving someone while being depressed actually looks like for both sides of the relationship.
Can Depressed People Still Love? A Personal Experience
As someone who’s experienced depression multiple times throughout her life, I know exactly how it feels to love someone and experience relationships while feeling depressed. Remember, depression is NOT just having a few bad days or feeling sad. It’s a constant dark cloud. That dark cloud feels heavy, exhausting, and deeply sad at times. If you’ve ever truly had your heart broken, I think that’s a pretty good comparison. The difference? There often isn’t a reason behind that heartbreak when it comes to depression.
It’s easy to pinpoint the cause or reason behind life’s heartbreaks. The death of a loved one, an extremely difficult break up or even losing your job and source of income. These are all bound to break your heart in one way or another, but at least we know why. When you or someone you love is suffering from depression, the why is often nowhere to be found.
What To Expect When Loving Someone With Depression
So what will be different and how exactly can depressed people still love when they’re living under a dark cloud? The best explanation comes down to the distorted thinking that often accompanies depression, and that can look several different ways.
Overly Sensitive
One of the biggest differences between someone with depression and someone without is the emotion within a relationship. This can go two different ways. On one hand, someone suffering from depression may be uber-sensitive to things. Meaning they take things like the lack of a phone call too personally. Or perhaps the feedback they receive from someone in the relationship feels extremely harsh when it actually isn’t. Certain circumstances can cause an overreaction at times. But the truth is, depressed individuals really can’t help this because it’s all part of what I call the depression illusion or more clinically – distorted thinking.
Numbness
On the other hand, people with depression can go in the opposite direction and feel quite numb to their surroundings. They may have very little energy to even give toward the relationship or are so used to the deep dark hole they’re living in that they don’t pay enough attention to the other person or what they’re feeling. I think being depressed can unintentionally make people selfish because they simply can’t get away from their own thoughts. Again, this isn’t their fault and is a normal part of depression.
Feeling Insecure and Holding Back
They may feel extremely insecure about you or the relationship itself. Depression is a very lonely place, even when you’re not physically alone. In the mindset of a depressed person, they often feel unloved or rejected. They feel unimportant and like no one is truly there for them. This can cause them to hold back from freely loving someone without restraint and this is important to be aware of when you’re the other half of the relationship.
Feeling Insecure and Pushing You Away
On the flip side, this insecurity can cause certain depressed people to push you away. It’s a defense mechanism. Whatever you do, DON’T LET THEM push you away. This doesn’t mean you should smother them either but simply showing up for them even when they’re pushing you away will speak volumes for someone in the thick of it. I’m guilty of pushing people away in some of my darkest moments and you know what I was always deep down looking for? Someone to love me in spite of me pushing them away. Someone who thought to themselves, you know what, I love her anyway and she’s worth the fight. Try to remember that if you love someone suffering from depression.
Low Energy Toward The Relationship
I mentioned this briefly above but wanted to elaborate on it a bit more. Feeling exhausted from life is a core symptom of depression. You simply don’t have the same motivation or zest for life that some people do. The result of that may mean they don’t want to do the same things as you, but it’s not because they actually don’t want to. It’s because they physically and mentally have become so overwhelmed and feel exhausted as a result. Remember that this isn’t forever and with the right treatment, they can be back to themselves soon.
Numbness From Medications
Finding the right medication for any mental health diagnosis can be a chore in itself. If you aren’t someone who takes a lot of medication, let alone medication for mental health, then you may be a bit ignorant to it. What do I mean by this? Here’s a quick lesson. It often takes several different trials of medication before finding one that actually helps you. Once you try a medication, it takes several weeks, sometimes months to find the right dose and once you get there, it still might not be right. Sometimes, they may not ever find an absolutely perfect medication or one that doesn’t come with some side effects. This is where numbness, even while being treated for depression, can make people a little flat depending on the medicine. The goal is to have the opposite effect of course but again, it’s a process. Be patient.
How To Love Someone Through Depression
Whether or not depressed people can still love is often dependent on the other half of the relationship. How you respond to them will no doubt make or break the relationship at that moment in time. Notice that I’m not saying their depression depends on your actions, but how you respond in the relationship will ultimately affect the relationship itself.
You Must Be Patient
People with depression need a little bit of grace. They need time to process their own emotions and even figure out they’re depressed in the first place. But it’s their journey and one that sadly can’t be rushed. Be patient while they feel all the things and remember that this too shall pass. If they don’t realize that they’re depressed, I think it’s okay to gently bring it to their attention. Something along the lines of “I’ve noticed you’re feeling a bit down and am here to help if you’d like”.
Don’t Try To Solve All Their Problems
It can be both overwhelming and annoying to have someone bombard you with solutions when you’re feeling depressed. Being present is 100% more important than saying the “right” thing.
Show Them You’re Thinking Of Them
Think of small ways that you can brighten their day. Even if it doesn’t seem like it’s making a huge difference, it actually is. So a sweet note, a small gift or even watching their favorite show with them are all great ways to show some love. Remember how I mentioned the loneliness that comes from feeling depressed? These small gestures make them feel like you’re thinking of them and that they matter to you, ultimately making them feel less alone.
Encourage Self Care
Do NOT become an overwhelming helicopter forcing self-care ideas down the throat of a depressed person. But self-care does make a huge difference for EVERYONE so there are subtle ways to encourage it. Try running a nice bath for them or buying them a book they’re interested in. (Avoid self-help books here unless they want it!) Ask if they’d like to go on a walk with you or go get a sweet treat from a restaurant nearby. Remember, there’s a difference between saying “You should go take a walk to feel better” and “I’m gonna head out for a walk if you’d like to tag along”. Get creative here people.
Respect Boundaries
Keep in mind that respecting someone’s boundaries are at the core of all things listed above. You should under no circumstances come in like wrecking ball and expect it to go well. If they need space, give them space. If they don’t feel like going out to eat that night, get carryout instead. When they need to cry but can’t tell you why, let them and let it be okay. You really don’t need to say a damn thing which is where most of us mess up the interactions.
Loving Them Through It
So can depressed people still love someone? Yes, perhaps more deeply than you can imagine but it may not look like your cookie-cutter relationship. There will be bad days. It might require a little extra care and educating yourself in ways to help it rather than hurt it, but it can be done. In the meantime, I hope you and you’re loved ones find the care they deserve at the quickest rate possible.
Always reach out with any questions or comments!
Remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.
Note: This blog is based on personal experience and opinion. I am not a medical professional but believe that we can all benefit from each other’s experiences and life challenges!