Anyone else look back on their childhood and long for the ease and simplicity that once was? I know I do. I’m not just talking about the obvious annoyances like jobs, bills or responsibility in general. I’m talking about everyday life. It was so easy having fun, making good friends, and allowing ourselves to dream of what could be! I remember my parents telling me to “just enjoy being a kid,” because life was so much harder as an adult. They were right. (shocker!)
One area that was a no-brainer back then was friendship. You either jived with your classmates and neighborhood kids or ya didn’t. You didn’t overthink what you said or how you said it. You weren’t afraid to be who you are, and that in itself gave us better, more meaningful, and FUN friendships.
But nowadays? Adult female friendships are hard.
Childhood Female Friendships
We change over and over again, and with that, our old friendships change too. Especially in our late 20s and early 30s. I’ve had many close friendships where we’ve simply outgrown one another and I’m sure you have too. No drama involved, things just… faded. When you’re in elementary school, a simple change in extracurriculars or environment can instantly change friendships. In most cases, this isn’t a big deal and we make new friends wherever we go with whoever we’re involved in.
During middle school and high school, female friendships began to change for me. There became points where they weren’t easy, and instead, they sucked. I started questioning the benefits of friendships overall. I’m talking betrayal and backstabbing, bullying, which I write about here. Those events definitely changed who I am as a person. Eventually, I started spending time with a lot of guy friends in addition to the girls and most of the time, they felt easier in many ways. Less drama, less competition, less give a fuck to be honest. I think having two older brothers made these friendships feel more natural too.
Female Friendship in Adulthood
Once I got involved in romantic relationships and had kids, many of my friends were not in the same boat. Their late nights no longer looked like mine. Nights at the bar and out with friends didn’t really align with the schedule of having a newborn baby. This didn’t mean all of my friendships ended, but it did mean these adult female friendships were harder to keep.
Over time, the separation in my female friendships made me feel lonely at times. I knew I needed new, grown-ass women friendships that weren’t complicated. Ones where we shared common ground and could appreciate our time together and still checked in with one another when we weren’t.
How to Have Female Friendships as an Adult
Let Go of Friendship Expectations
As an adult, I’ve always thought there was something wrong with me for not having a certain number of girlfriends, a big enough “group of women”. This has been projected onto me for a long time, going all the way back to my childhood, but I’ve also felt guilt from certain people as an adult too. I’m learning that not all people are the same, nor do they enjoy the same amount of social interactions!
As I get older, I try to show myself more grace in this category. Not everyone is going to, or even meant to have five billion friends. Often when I am friends with someone who has a much larger group, there’s shit talking about a lot of people. The drama seems exhausting, and I end up feeling thankful for my smaller group of close relationships. Honestly, I’m not sure I would even put much thought into the number of friends I have if it weren’t for other people pushing me to be a certain way. But I guess we’re always a product of our environment, right?
So Why Give a Shit Then Right?
Because I do think that even though adult female friendships can be a lot of work, they’re important if you can find the good ones. Girls’ nights, good times, and emotional support with your closest friends solve things you didn’t know they could! The older we get, the busier we get, and we have less time for those nights.
What if you don’t have girls to do “girls’ night” with in the first place? Pressure from others can actually make you feel really bad about yourself if you don’t have a ton of people to do things with. Don’t allow that. You are exactly where you need to be and if you want them, you can make new friendships. Even if it’s trickier to do nowadays.
But do think about what you actually want. Is it important to you to have a super large group of friends? Or is that exhausting to you? Are you a “deep” person craving open conversations with depth and meaning? Then find one or two close friends that fit the bill and be content with it.
How To Find Female Friendships
Your Kids
Use your kids to find new friends. Who’s the parent of your child’s best friend? Could a play date for your child double as a play date for you? What about the soccer or football mom that’s always at practice with you anyway? You may actually have a lot in common with these kind of friends and it’s easy to have something to talk about initially. But don’t force it either. You’ll know when someone feels like a natural friend and when they don’t. If it’s too much work to hold a conversation, or the interest isn’t reciprocated, then find someone that you feel more comfortable with.
A Hobby
Another way you might find friends begins with taking time for yourself and dabbling in a hobby. This could be an art or fitness class, book clubs, whatever! You’ll be much more likely to spend time with someone if you are also doing something you enjoy together. Don’t have a hobby? Find one. Seriously, find one. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve spent just going through the motions. Being a mom and then being too exhausted to do anything else. But finding something for yourself that you truly enjoy can actually give you more energy, make you feel alive, and even make you a better friend. If you have a hobby and then get bored with it, find something different. We aren’t prisoners to anything in our lives, so keep that curiosity flowing! Need some hobby ideas? Check out this massive list here.
Local Groups
Don’t be afraid to find online and local groups. There are a ton of them in categories you wouldn’t even know existed. I’ve even seen social media groups on Facebook like “adult females seeking friendship” or “over 35 and sober”. Obviously, be careful here, but you might find new people in a local group with someone just like you, seeking out a new beautiful friendship as well.
I once heard someone on a podcast talking about friendships. One thing that opened my mind a bit is to stop being so picky about people. If someone treats you poorly, then don’t put up with it. But often we find people who treat us well, have many good things about them, but maybe fail (in our opinion) in a certain area. The good news here is that we don’t have to dismiss everyone for their faults. That person might still be great to go to a movie or dinner with. Sure, you may not want to have a weekend getaway with them, but you can likely still find great things about them that benefit you both. You don’t have to love every single thing about someone to do something fun with them or chat!
Follow Through
When you do find women that you want to spend some extra time with, put forth your best effort to actually do it. I know I am SO guilty of flaking out on things. Sometimes I’m just too tired or something unexpected comes up and I cancel last minute. Sometimes I’ve been so depressed and kept so many things to myself that I feel like I’ll be a bummer to be around. But when I force myself to go, 9 times out of 10 I feel so much better afterward.
We Need Female Friendships
Female friendships are a good thing. They’re important for women. Women can be catty, that’s for sure. That has steered me away and made me hesitant at times about other women’s friendships. And sadly, this isn’t just based on childhood, but also on what I’ve witnessed in older friendships. But being hesitant has also made me distant and feel lonely as well. Our happiness relies on the relationships we keep, and so I encourage you to move past the fact that adult female friendships are hard and give new relationships a chance. You not only deserve it, but you also deserve to find a positive deep relationship.
Can you relate? How do you make friends as an adult, and do you feel pressure from other people on your friend count?
Always remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.