Although some might consider me an extrovert, I’ve always had an urge to be pretty antisocial at times. I think there are several things that can contribute to antisocial behavior. But I do think that they all stem from our upbringing and social situations we’ve been in as young people. Some of those social interactions may have bruised us along the way. The good news is that there are ways to get around it if you’re willing to learn more about how to stop being antisocial.
Reasons Why You’re Feeling Antisocial
As I mentioned above, there can be a lot of contributors to our antisocial tendencies. I think several mental health conditions can play a role in how social we are, for sure. Personality disorders, Depression, Bipolar Disorder, and Social Anxiety Disorder, to name a few.
I also think that having general low self-esteem is something that has a massive effect on our social skills. How we feel about our social skills will ultimately define how we interact with both old and new people. Regardless of the reason behind your antisocial traits, there are plenty of ways to retrain your brain to better handle social settings, both large and small.
Although there isn’t an exact reason behind social anxiety and being antisocial, it often comes down to one thing. Your confidence when interacting with others, and how much work it feels like you’re putting out just to interact. If social situations feel like work, we won’t want to have them in the first place. So we have to find ways to make social events more enjoyable overall. This naturally makes us WANT to engage with others more and be more social in our daily lives.
So, without further ado, check out the best ways to break through social anxiety and start enjoying your social circle again.
How to Stop Being Antisocial
Evaluate Relationships with Close Friends
Is your antisocial behavior happening because your “close friends” aren’t so great? Perhaps they don’t make you feel good about yourself or make you feel comfortable. These are key factors in how we feel about social situations. Often, determining if we want to bother having more of them. When I’ve had friends who are selfish, judgmental, or distrustful, this has made me a bit bitter about engaging with the rest of the world, too. So, start by evaluating the friendships and relationships you have now. They might be setting a bad example for what healthy relationships and being social actually feel like.
Find People With Common Interests
Maybe some of the reason behind your antisocial tendencies is that you have nothing in common with your close friends. If this is the case, try to make some new friends that do have common interests. This makes the interaction so much easier to have and will get you excited talking about topics that are an important part of your life.
Practice Your Small Talk
When you’re engaging with people you love, such as a family member, practice your small talk. People love nothing more than to talk about themselves, so ask them questions about themselves and they’re likely to do most of the talking for you. You’d hope in this situation that certain questions might be reciprocated giving you an opportunity to do some easy talking of your own.
If this doesn’t happen, it’s probably a good sign of whether or not you’ll want to spend time engaging with them in the future. Try to cover topics that aren’t too heavy when it comes to small talk. You may be someone (like me) who loves to dive deeper into emotional topics, but some people become uncomfortable in these situations. When you’re uncomfortable with small talk, it will feel exhausting to be social. So keep practicing so that it doesn’t feel like such a tall task.
Reframe Your Thinking on Social Norms
On the other hand, you should also reframe your thinking on social interactions. My Dad is a talker, so is my husband. They can literally talk to ANYONE for hours and act very curious about their “subjects.” They also have no problem talking about themselves. I envy this in some ways. But I’ve also realized over time that it’s NOT my job to fill the empty space in every conversation. Silence is okay, too.
It feels like hard work when the social interaction is a one-way street and you’re doing all the talking. Now, when I’m in social situations and it’s quiet, I take a breath and remember that silence is okay. Many other people are okay with it, too; it’s simply the pressure we put on ourselves that makes it uncomfortable. Where does this pressure come from? Our upbringing and social norms are set by certain people around us. Try to let it go, and it’ll instantly feel less stressful being social.
Pay Attention To Body Language
Body language is important. You can often tell by someone’s body language exactly how they’re feeling without them even uttering a word. Why is this helpful? It’s helpful because, for one, it shifts your attention and energy onto something else. Making your social interaction more of a fun, investigative event. Look for things like eye contact, fidgeting, posture, and tone of voice. If they appear uptight and nervous, notice it and try to make it more comfortable for them if you can. It gives you a new focus, aside from your own behavior.
You can also tell by body language when someone feels calm and at ease. If they feel calm and at ease, it will make you feel calm and at ease. Use their body language as an example for your own. Even if you’re fidgeting and somewhat uncomfortable, you can practice and mimic their body language. The more you practice this, the more natural it will feel in future situations. Fake it till you make it if you have to.
Hang Out With Other “Antisocial People”
“Antisocial people” aren’t always entirely antisocial. Sometimes they just don’t love the idea of large groups or large, noisy events. I’m sure you know a few people like this. They might take you up on an offer to hang out one-on-one instead of a group social event. I’m also willing to bet that if you have antisocial tendencies, you, too, have had times you’d rather just have a one-on-one outing with a friend. This makes things much less intimidating and still gives you the opportunity to be social. Probably a win-win for you both.
Avoid Too Much Screen Time
You’ve likely heard that there is such a thing as too much screen time for people of all ages. You may think it’s simply because it’s bad for you’re eyes or something of that nature, but there’s much more to it than that. Too much screen time usually means you’re spending a lot of time on social media. Social media can negatively affect your mental health. Whether you realize you’re doing it or not, you’re putting yourself into your own little world. Comparing yourself to everything you see, often subconsciously.
Depending on what you spend you’re time doing, you can also be giving yourself superficial dopamine hits. The feel-good moments you may be getting, coming from “likes”, comments or an edited video, are not real-world things. You may begin to feel comfortable sitting behind a screen. The more you get in the habit of doing it, the more you’ll want to stay there and continue it. The more time you spend behind a screen, the harder it becomes to interact in real life with people. Avoid creating bad habits that ultimately make you more antisocial.
Engage in Social Activities You Love
Some people enjoy hanging out at a bar. Some people prefer a quiet coffee house. Certain people love working out at the gym with others, while others stay home and work out. The point is, if you’re not putting yourself in places that you love, regardless of the people there, you’re not going to like being “social.” This doesn’t mean you don’t give certain events a chance. But don’t force yourself to do things you don’t like on repeat. For example, you may instead like hanging out with the people from the bar in a different environment.
Find NEW Social Activities You Might Love
It’s easy to get stuck in a rut. It’s easy to think that when we reach a certain age, what we do is what we’re doing for the rest of our lives. You’re never too old to try new things. Try new hobbies and activities that involve at least one other person. This can be a great way to not only grow as a person, but to expand your social circle. Maybe even finding some new close relationships.
Define What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like For You
Only you know what you need in a healthy relationship. Your values are unique to you based on your upbringing and personal experiences. When evaluating your close relationships, as mentioned above, it’s important to look at your values and define what they are. This weeds out the relationships that don’t meet your standards. It’s important to get familiar with and know your expectations. Don’t waste your time with people who aren’t a good fit for you. People won’t be perfect, but they should meet the most important layers of YOUR value system, such as respect, trust, and empathy.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
I am not a healthcare provider and speak only from personal experience and opinion. But sometimes it can be helpful to get more in-depth care from a mental health provider. They’ll help you look at feelings and situations in an objective way. They can help identify new tools and lifestyle changes that help navigate your social life even further. They can also help diagnose other mental health conditions that may be contributing to being antisocial. If you have severe anxiety about being social, consider an appointment to make sure something more serious isn’t going on.
Take Care of Yourself Physically
Our physical health greatly affects our mental health. If we don’t eat right, sleep well, or engage in physical activity, it can sometimes make us feel depressed. It can also make us feel bad about ourselves. When we feel bad about ourselves, it can affect our self-esteem and how comfortable we feel around other people. Make sure you’re covering the basics and taking care of yourself first and foremost.
Consider EMDR to Improve Previous Negative Experiences
Often, traumatic experiences influence our social anxiety for the rest of our lives. For instance, if you were bullied at one point, this can make you uneasy around other people in the future. EMDR therapy stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. You can read more about it here, but in a nutshell, it can help the brain process traumatic events. I personally have done EMDR therapy and have found that it gives traumatic memories less weight. It almost feels like it numbs your brain and makes the experience much less relevant and thus, less traumatic. This can help us heal and push through barriers that our mind may have set from traumatizing events.
Force Yourself to Have More Social Interaction
A lack of social interaction can create more social anxiety. You know the saying “a body in motion, stays in motion”? I think this applies to all areas of our lives, including being social. If you say no repeatedly to social events or refuse to put yourself out there, you’re limiting yourself to a “comfort zone.” But sometimes our comfort zone isn’t what’s actually best for us. It’s important to push yourself, apply some of the tips listed above, and force yourself to have social interactions. If you don’t, you might be self-sabotaging and making things worse.
Take Care of Yourself Mentally
I’ve already talked about how our physical health can influence our mental health. But there are other ways to calm our minds and make us feel more at ease in any social situation. Seeking help from professionals, practicing meditation, and getting involved in things you love will all help your mental health in unique ways. When you’re mental health is in good shape, you’ll feel better around other people and putting yourself out there.
Pay More Attention To The Feelings of Others
Often, when we’re in social situations, feeling anxious, we are solely focusing on ourselves. We overthink what people might be thinking about what we say or how we act. One thing that I’ve found to really help is to focus more on the other guy. Just by shifting your mental energy toward someone’s feelings can help you focus on something other than your own actions.
Pay Attention to Your Presence
How are you presenting yourself? We talked a bit about body language above and observing it in others. But it’s important to think about yourself and how you’re coming off to other people, too. Are you making yourself approachable or closed off? Do you look angry or friendly? Sometimes negative body language will push others away. Rather than someone coming up and approaching you in a social situation (ultimately making you more comfortable), it won’t happen. All I’m saying is that your energy will be reciprocated back to you. So make sure you’re once again not self-sabotaging.
Find Minimal Effort “Support Groups“
Consider finding low-pressure environments where you aren’t expected to make small talk. This can help ease the urge to avoid the social setting in the first place. These are often places that involve other people, but you’re actually there for yourself. Such as a gym, fitness class, churches, and a school. When you’re at these places, you’re expected to chat and entertain people. Yet you already typically have a common interest, making it easier to be social if you choose.
How to Stop Being Antisocial – If You Want To
At the end of the day, keep in mind that there’s actually nothing wrong with being an asocial person. I believe that being social is good for us. There also shouldn’t be any shame attached to when we do want to be alone and skip the big event. Some of the points above explore the “why” behind being antisocial. I think it’s the first step in really understanding our antisocial tendencies. Understanding leads to making the necessary changes. (If you want to)
Remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.
Note: This blog is based on personal experience and opinion. I am not a medical professional but believe that we can all benefit from each other’s experiences and life challenges!