We’ve all had someone in our life over the years who just gets on our nerves. But when it comes to toxic people, it goes much deeper than that. I’ve struggled with many different relationships that feel toxic. When learning how to deal with toxic people in your life, the first step is identifying them. Toxic seems to be a buzzword these days and not all annoying behavior falls into a toxic category.

Recognizing Toxic People

Toxic people don’t always make themselves known early on in a relationship. It often takes time to see someone’s true colors and see exactly how they treat you. When I reflect on the toxic people that have been in my life, it all comes down to how they make me feel. I usually end up feeling bad about myself when I’m done spending time with them and this could come from a variety of different traits. Toxic people are often a mixture of the traits listed below, but certainly not limited to this list.

• Manipulative
• Passive Aggressive
• Condescending
• Worried Only About Themselves
• Make You Feel on Edge, But You Aren’t 100% Sure Why.
• Disrespectful
• Dishonest
• Mean or Aggressive
• Controlling
• Gossips – Puts People Against One Another

Toxic Friends

Toxic friends really aren’t friends at all. When you notice any of your “friends” acting in a toxic way, it’s important to let it be known. Sometimes people genuinely don’t realize they are hurting your feelings and so it’s worth a shot to bring the behavior to their attention. Just be realistic about your expectations. They may have a shitty response and take no accountability for their actions. Or they might be apologetic and fix some of their behavior only temporarily. If you communicate your expectations clearly, and they can’t seem to meet them, then you can label them as toxic.

Toxic Family

A toxic family member is much more difficult to deal with. Unlike friends, it’s often not as easy to just cut someone out of your life or set a boundary. (more on that below) Family members are often an everyday part of our lives and we can have much different emotions when it comes to exerting our power into them. Regardless, toxic family members certainly exist and there are things that can be done to create distance and protect yourself from them.

How Toxic People Affect Our Mental Health

Learning how to deal with toxic people is crucial for our mental health. Although it may go unrecognized initially, their toxic behavior can really have a long-lasting effect on our quality of life. Our kindness often gets taken advantage of and if we don’t learn to deal with them properly, we can end up feeling depressed, lonely, and unsure of ourselves. It can also leave us feeling anxious each time the potential arises that we may have to interact.

How to Deal With Toxic People

Setting Boundaries

After communicating how you expect to be treated by these toxic people, setting boundaries is next. What does a healthy boundary look like? It can be as simple as only spending a certain amount of time together. When we make the option to be mistreated less available, we’re limiting the effect they have on us. You could also set limits like unfollowing someone on social media, only contacting them when you’re in the right mental state, or quitting accepting their calls as regularly. It’s all about baby steps and if you’re not ready to cut them out completely, you can at least ease the burden they have on you with some small tweaks.

Try Not to Take Things Personally

One of the most important parts of how to deal with toxic people is not taking things personally. The person who is toxic to you? They’re most likely pretty toxic to others. Meaning their behavior is often just a part of who they are and not a result of who YOU ARE. So keep this in mind whether you’re reflecting on a past relationship, setting a boundary right now, or cutting someone off who may not agree with you. As long as you aren’t guilty of the same toxic behaviors, give yourself permission to feel peace with whatever decision you have to make.

Cutting Ties With Toxic People

I’ve personally found that boundaries and frame of mind don’t always work. Especially if someone happens to be a full-out narcissist. The problem here is that toxic people often don’t respect you, let alone your boundaries. So they may take additional measures to cross the boundary lines you’re setting. If you’ve communicated your concerns first and tried setting boundaries, then unfortunately cutting ties with them may be necessary. It doesn’t matter if they are family or friends, you deserve respect. Read that part again.

We often end up feeling so guilty for reasons out of our control. Just because someone is family, doesn’t give them permission to treat us like shit. Just because someone is a friend we’ve had since we were little, doesn’t mean they can treat us like shit. You get the point. The only person suffering in these situations is you. So it’s also up to you, and only you, to take back control so you don’t feel miserable because of their treatment.

Giving Yourself Some Love & Self Care

Piggybacking on that. Remember to practice self-care. When we’re in the middle of tough relationships in can feel taxing on our mind and body. When that happens, we can often forget who we are and second guess our expectations. Being kind to yourself. Recentering through mindfulness, physical activity and VIP self-treatment can leave us feeling strong and confident. Try practicing self-care by spending time with people who DO make you feel valued. It will really put things into perspective in terms of what you want from a relationship and remind you that it’s possible to surround yourself with the right people.

Put Yourself First

The number one thing when learning how to deal with toxic people? Put yourself first. Whatever that may mean for you.

We only have one life and rather than wasting time in relationships that don’t serve us, we could instead feel fulfilled and truly valued in ones that do. Letting go of certain relationships is natural and in some ways, a necessary part of life. Let go of any shame in ending a relationship or sticking up for yourself. Make room for more good people and get the most out of your time with the good ones.

Remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.