Regret and shame are two very strong words. They both hold a lot of emotion, and while we don’t always realize it, feelings of shame can cause sadness, depression, and anxiety. I know I spent many years with the feeling of shame about certain aspects of “me” and my life. Learning how to live without the shame has been a slow journey for me, and a lot of that revolved around my upbringing at a young age.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t have a bad upbringing by any means. It’s natural for us to create expectations for ourselves based on what is expected of us. Caregivers, coaches, and teachers are supposed to teach us, so there’s no blame being placed on their efforts. They need to show us what makes a good person, and they do the best they can.
The problem here is the standards and expectations. As an adult, you may eventually realize that what was taught to you may not even align with what you believe or want. We become our own person. But the pressure from those around us still feels frustrating, and they may want us to do things that simply aren’t a good fit.
Life Expectations
It can take years to figure this out. As the name “By the Time I’m 30” suggests, I’ve had all kinds of expectations for myself. Some have been set by the people in my life and some I set for myself. I missed many of those expectations and felt depressed because of it, I bet you can relate. Some of my expectations included the following.
- Having a specific job
- A degree from a certain college
- A degree in a specific field
- Being married by a certain age
- Having children at a certain age
- How I should be socially
- The number of friends I should have
- How I should act and feel about different situations
- The way I look
- How much money I should have saved
- Planned retirement goals
In a nutshell, I thought I needed to be an established, decided, and distinguished adult by the time I was 30. Maybe even 25. I thought I should be… perfect. When I look back at many of those, some were set way too young. Pressure from society and social media doesn’t help, and neither do our family members and friends at times. All of these environmental factors make it much harder to live without shame and guilt.
Live Without Shame & Be Kind to Yourself
We, as human beings, are the hardest on ourselves. If you’re anything like me, you beat yourself up about all sorts of different things and end up suffering from all kinds of self-conscious emotions. I remember wanting to attend cosmetology school right out of high school, but I thought a family member and peers would be more impressed with me being a nurse. If it wasn’t a specific career, it was having a certain level of education. And because I didn’t want to do any of what I was telling myself to do, they didn’t work out.
The example applies to all of the above. Because I didn’t actually want some of those things, in my eyes, I “failed,” and failure gave me uncomfortable feelings of regret and shame. As someone who has struggled with anxiety and depression, I often wondered if this kind of shame caused more of my depression than I thought.
Even when we know what we want and feel excited about it, people change and evolve. We all deserve a life that is packed with fun and joy, but flexibility is necessary to get there. I’m certainly not the same person I was when I was younger. My values are different, my close relationships are always evolving and I’m still processing what I learned from life experiences. If you really want to live without shame, the first step means doing a little self-reflection and then learn to let the negative emotions go.
Keeping Up with the Joneses
It wasn’t until my late thirties that I started realizing there was a better way. I thought I just sucked, was a bad person and couldn’t keep up with everyone else. This gave me a lot of social anxiety as well. But finding things I actually enjoyed and accepting who I was as a person opened my eyes and gave me a new perspective. I think goals are a good thing, and disciplining ourselves is necessary to get there. But it must be on your own terms, not someone else’s. You’ll always lack fulfillment if you’re not doing what lights you up.
For me, it’s an ongoing journey, and that’s okay. It needs to be okay for you, too. How many people do you know who are miserable because they’re stuck in something they don’t enjoy, or they won’t start over? I know some people don’t have the option to do this, but we can plug this new perspective into small areas of our lives, too! Exploring new hobbies, spending time with different kinds of people, etc. Finally, living with a lack of shame and regret means realizing you’re worthy of love and investing in yourself!
Aside from what we’re doing, think about the when. Who cares if we’re not doing something by a certain time? Is it important to you? Then take your time and enjoy the journey. Who cares if you change your mind for the umpteenth time, keep searching for a better life. Don’t be afraid of change because it’ll suck the life out of you. I force myself to be aware of this on an ongoing basis. I have had, and still do have, times when I feel kinda dead inside. It’s not always the case, but often, it’s because I’m currently stuck in something that sucks or I’m being too hard on myself.
Live Without Shame
Regret and shame are bricks that weigh us down, and we may not even know we’re carrying them. I believe in seeing a therapist on a regular basis. Throughout my years of doing this, I’ve learned a lot, and it has ultimately changed the way I look at things. I remember taking a deep dive with my therapist at one point, trying to figure out the why behind my depression and anxiety symptoms. She made me realize just how much regret and shame I had, and that it’s different from depression.
Having an experience of shame may not be what you’re thinking, either. A vast majority of people think of the word shame and generally associate it with really dark, horrible things, often stemming from childhood trauma or a specific situation. While that can be the case, shame is much more than that. It’s the root of low self-esteem. It’s a roadblock in your path to happiness and success, and that’s YOUR version of success, not someone else’s.
So don’t be afraid to say fuck it. This is your own life. Get excited again and forget about the old expectations. Setting a new expectation is a good way to get started. Set the expectation that life will change, and so will you. Riding that wave with a positive outlook instead of a negative one will give you a healthier life worth living. You can get in your own way, but guess what? You don’t have to.
Let go of expectations and start embracing unexpected changes every chance you get.
Remember friends, just as the great Ice Cube once said… Chickity Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self.